the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
