Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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