you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
