chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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