He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
