Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
