Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.