I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
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How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.