Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?