I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
