Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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