I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
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No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
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It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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