peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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