you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
