Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
