Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
