um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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