you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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