I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
