just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.