happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
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can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
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I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.