she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.