Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dating After Heartbreak
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night