just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
