Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
