Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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