please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
