i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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