Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
