her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just forgot I was standing up.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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