I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
