So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
