Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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