how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
