remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
tell me about the eggs
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize