Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
