if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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