i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
