Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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