Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
