hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
