so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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