Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
