and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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