my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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