Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
