R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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