i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize