spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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