I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Help. Why am I so naked?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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