Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
