I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
