Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
