sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
