Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
