I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
