My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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