It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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