I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
