We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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