I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
