okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
